disintegration.

image credit via: order of the good death

It's always a strange thing when friendships crumble, how do two people who were in such a strong relationship suddenly just fall apart?

Then again, friendships are like any other relationship. It might not be romantic, but there are strong ties of emotion that bind two people together and once that snaps, the friendship ultimately may not be recovered. What about best friends though? They're supposed to live and breathe the same things as you. They're supposed to be twin souls, and often they supersede that of romantic relationships because they are your constant.

It's odd.

I'm watching something fall apart, someone fight a war that they aren't completely prepared for. Then again, no one is prepared to be backstabbed. I'm being turned to for help but at the same time, I realize that I've had this happen to me so many times that I don't really know what to do anymore.

At the same time, this is war and there's no room for mercy. There are so many different pathways, so many different ways to do different things that to me, if it were up to me anyway - they'd be dead. But to them, it's dirty politics and they don't think things will escalate.

I really don't want to be right.

open letter

I never tell people what I think of them, I tend to tell other people what I think instead. But it's never to the person themselves.

For example, I compromised two major relationships for you. I knew what I was doing was wrong, but in some pseudo-medieval romantic way - I didn't care. It was wrong, and I have apologized to the relevant parties. It's like if I was a train wreck, waiting to happen. I have loved you for the past three years, and of course - I don't expect anyone to believe me.

Such vitriol, tch.

There's actually no venom here, I'm going on things based on instinct (and I know this offends your rational and logical self, you've never liked that part because I tend to get in trouble that way) and well, it's true. I have been showing the ugliest parts of me to you but only because you stayed, I continued to do so. Not because you had to see them but those were the parts of me that I couldn't ever show anyone. I didn't trust anyone else to see them and to still accept me. How strange is that?

You weren't ever nothing.

I never spat on your feelings (oh look, a phrase I like to use) but I'll admit I'm selfish. I wanted you to be happy with me, not with anyone else. I was possessive and I'm a bit of an attention-whore when it comes to people I really care about. I will ask you: hey, should I do this? and that shows that I am asking for your opinion and it does factor in (oh no, it doesn't stop me from doing it half the time but at least I know I'll probably piss you off while I'm doing it) and it does matter. Out of some misguided pride (you know this, you know this so well), I would be flippant and I would play it off like it was nothing. It hurt when you disapproved, and I wanted so desperately to prove to you that I was something.

If I was something to you, then at least I could take whatever else anyone else was dishing out to me.

It's the sole reason why I would make you the "friend who knew where I was" if I was off venturing into things I didn't know - the night I went off with Rifdi to Rakan Muda and was somehow lost in the middle of the Flow. It's the reason I would call you at 3am to yell something completely irrelevant at you, because I had feelings I couldn't handle. It's the reason that I'll tell you I'm drinking and I'm mixing substances I really shouldn't because I'm upset.

I'm very self-destructive.

I'm a celebrity now. A celebrity in the cheapest way, known for my fashion and attitude when I haven't done anything. People have said they don't think I cut. You can tell that to the cocktail of drugs and alcohol though, I don't need the public to believe me. It's actually okay.

It's also too late to be telling you all these things, but if anyone would be able to tell you? Anyone who's heard me or had to deal with hours of my ranting, crying and brief manic-depressive episodes - they'd know I love you to no end. I'm exploring my feelings in full now and at least, I can thank you. For the longest time, I wasn't emotionally honest. I wasn't anything, I just wanted to be numb. I can't cry now, after holding back tears last night. In the middle of a family dinner, I'm told that I don't matter anymore and it felt like I didn't exist.

My family only loves parts of me but for a while, you loved all of me.

Thank you.

goodbye

Sometimes, things end.

Things end for good reasons, things end for bad reasons. Sometimes, things end just because.

Maybe I waited too long, maybe I didn't say anything soon enough. It's a lot of "what ifs" and I know I won't have closure. It's yet another one of those things I won't have closure about. I don't know how much insecurity I can build at this point. Maybe I really am empty.

I know why I'm upset, at least. I didn't get a goodbye. I never did get a goodbye. I'm swimming through the worst parts of me right now and of course that sucks. The exact moment that I fell in love all over again was the moment he walked away without a word.

I'm sad because that was my friend. Someone I considered a sister, someone I loved and wanted to help. I don't even get that though. I'm another stranger who never meant anything. I guess that's the part that hurts.

He told me that the worst part was when Mai told him he never meant anything and they never dated. You become what you hate and while I can see that was true, I wonder why this is what's happening to me.

I'm not going to sit here and hope. I'm not going to sit here and say that everything will be okay. I am okay. I'm numb, but okay. It's a feeling I'm used to. I just never thought the guy I loved for three years would walk out of my life like it was nothing.

Am I nothing?

All I have are videos and photos and memories. Even then I can't really remember how he sounds, or how he looks. Seeing him was jarring, to say the least. People don't last. At least, with me. Everyone seems to have a sell-by date where they just stop being your friend.

In that sense, I'm intangible and invisible. A ghost. The kind of person you barely remember and hell, maybe you don't want to remember me except in the worst ways.

21st December, 2012.

Today, on the 5th of July, 2013 - I lost my nickname of "Babydoll".