teacups & lutecest

Being (temporarily) out of college, time is starting to melt for me. I feel like I’m with Dali’s melting clocks, where suddenly that concept of losing track of time where days and hours just melt into one another is actually becoming a reality. It doesn’t help in the slightest that my circadian rhythm is fucked up and I’m now sleeping through the days and completely nocturnal. My grandmother calls me a pontianak – that would be a Malaysian vampire, of sorts (but you know, completely unsparkly and unsexy).

It’s kind of nice to be awake early now.

It’s one of those rainy mornings, where it’s been raining constantly through the night and your room is too cold for you to pad across to the door (ack, marble floors) and the sound of rain falling mixes with the sound of children singing nursery rhymes next door. It’s also a morning where I have no tea.

I can’t express to you how much this infuriates me. I found 10 different types of tea this morning, everything from a jar of chai masala to Twinning’s blackcurrant black tea to some odd blend of Jasmine and countless types of green tea. However, I don’t drink any of those (green tea is only acceptable iced or hot at a Japanese restaurant in the afternoons or at dinner) – I’m a stickler to my routine and I like a steaming hot cup of English Breakfast in the mornings, three sugars and a dash of milk.

Alright, so maybe that’s just a way for me to say that I’m undeniably prissy about my tea and very picky. On the other hand, I do have some toast with chocolate peanut butter toast and coffee. It’s not tea, but it’ll do.

I haven't slept.

I spent the whole night downloading music and movies, then having a personal marathon session of the Nolanverse Batman trilogy. Now I'm watching Watchmen, and in between I've been looking at makeup tutorials, inspiration photos and reading a whole lot of fanfiction. The new Bioshock Infinite DLC is out, Burial At Sea Episode 1.

Now, no spoilers here but the Bioshock series is rather personal to me. I spent the entire series bonding with my friends and lovers over it and its played a rather integral part towards my psyche. My current glasses were based off of Sofia Lamb's, I have a deep love for Robert and Rosalind Lutece and Elizabeth's evolution as a character were infinitely fascinating for me (pun unintended). Looking back at how it helped shape my outlook on life and some of my more... stubborn thought patterns, it's one of those games that change you.

Knowing that Andrew Ryan's philosophy was based on Ayn Rand's Objectivist philosophy makes me remember late night conversations with Azani about how much he hated her. Sofia Lamb's Collectivism leads me to drawing comparisons between that and Asian society. Even the Lutece twins and their odd way of thinking (thank you, Voxophones) had no small degree of effect on me.

So to anyone who says that pop culture is meaningless, that video games just rot your brain - I disagree. I think my life is all the richer for them.

fashionizing

While at Gong Cha today, I saw this one girl and I was just absolutely fascinated by her outfit. A sheer white button down with billowy sleeves, blue-and-white printed shorts, Alexander Wang-esque minimalist sandals and a classic brown satchel. I was instantly in love.

Yes, I did do my usual thing where I call out to you and compliment your outfit (like the August 2013 junior who was wearing a pair of stunning neon yellow kicks yesterday) but it really did make me think.

Printed shorts + sheer shirt are almost a style staple here in KL, and well - they look good on (almost) anyone. I'm really surprised though that her outfit caught my eye. Was it the dewy, clear skin? The messy bun? What was it about her outfit that made her stand out from everyone else? Her friends were dressed similarly, the sheer sleeveless button down, shorts/bodycon skirt. I barely noticed them though.

Given that I've been assigned a mandatory (and frankly, somewhat unwilling) three month break - maybe it's time that I myself do some experimenting.

fate?

There are times when I wonder why certain things happen. Aren't we all architects of our own destruction?

Talking to a few groups of people in college shows that right now, everyone's going through a tough time. It's odd, of course. But at the same time, I can't help - or rather, I can't do anything - but watch.

I guess that's my new role for now.

rico.

It's honestly very strange to spend nights without my boyfriend.

I'm used to his company, whether it's feeling his sometimes too-hot body warmth with mine or to just hear the tenor notes of his voice. He never fails to leave a smile on my face, unless I'm particularly annoyed with him. I can't remember my life before him.

I could - and already have spent hours talking to him. With him, conversation never seems forced or staccato, it's always a continuous flow of thought. Passing from him to myself, the oddest part is when he finishes my sentences and I'm always pleasantly startled. He shares my eclectic music taste, seems somewhat fascinated with my tendency to swing from horrifically obsessive to the attention span of a goldfish, and appreciates whatever goes on in this strange place that I call my brain.

I love him. I really do.

As my partner-in-crime for any and all of my Despicably Devilish Plot Devices, he's my everything. I can't be jaded and cynical all the time and if the world only ever gave me one amazing thing, that would be him. I've learned more from him in the past year and a half than I learned from two people over the course of three years.

Being without him now gives me time to reflect and look at him, really look at him - because I rarely ever get to do so. I know he's observing me as much I do him but at the same time, I never really get to form coherent commentary because I'm busy living the moment. I never did that before, with anyone else. They made me retreat into my own head and ponder memories I had with them, since the reality was relatively dull or repetitive. Perhaps this is the spark I've been looking for, someone who would inspire me to live. Someone who would challenge my self-imposed limits and test me so thoroughly that I force my way through them, like a butterfly from a chrysalis.

The love of my life is an amazing, wonderful man who decided to take a risk on me. I can never thank him enough for that. If you're reading this, you know I love you.

parapraxis

When it comes to being swamped with work, I don't deal so well. I'm quite panicky and prone to anxiety attacks when things don't go according to plan.

I'm your classic control freak.

I like having absolute control over everything I can - whether it be my daily schedule, my work-life balance, my own image. When I don't have that, expect all hell to break loose because if everything's going to pot, I'll create something I can control.

Back to work.

hurricane.

 image credit via: pacific rim wikia

Seven years ago, when I was deliberating on a 'cool scene name' (I had that phase, don't kill me) - I was debating between going with alliteration or the usage of a poison. I liked poisons, if only because the oddest things were poisonous and I was discovering my own allergies and wondering why shellfish gave me weird rashes. I had a strange fascination with poison and how the most basic household items were poisonous (don't drink bleach kids, or eat soap). As most people can tell, I went with the latter - my current online handle of 'HannahCyanide' stemmed from there. I stuck to it for seven years, which is amazing. I also think 13 year old me had amazing music taste if an off-key voice.

The other name I wanted was Hannah Hurricane, while cool - probably wouldn't have worked too well in my favor. Also, a lot of people used hurricane in their name - either out of a devout love of Something Corporate or that one quote from 'Looking For Alaska'. If anything, I maintained being a hurricane as a sort of personal philosophy.

Initially, being a hurricane stemmed from wanting to cause as much rampant destruction as possible. All the great hurricanes were named after women due to our emotional rampages as a gender. I created and left chaos wherever I went, and that lasted me a fair bit. That's how I gained my current name, Medusa - due to the chaotic form of heartbreak I incurred in a series of boys during my stint in Hartamas. Apparently, people don't bounce back very fast from my relationships with them, it takes some time to recover and during this period, they're essentially turned to stone. Carbon-frozen versions of themselves, devoid of any and all emotion than the one they're feeling at that particular moment and they stay like that for a month or so, until they pull themselves together and find either themselves or another girl. I've stayed friends with most of my exes and while I'm normally not around during that period of time, people tend to gossip a lot and I end up hearing about it anyway. My juniors don't hear about this nickname as I usually date around my year or above.

After that, however - I strived to be like a hurricane in a different aspect. Drama may happen around me or about me but I'd like to stay calm. The eye of the storm if anything. I realize now that I don't have the best control over my emotions - most people know the story of me losing it over something a classmate said to me and throwing an oversized pair of fabric scissors at his head. Five years later and people still know about it and worry about my temper. It's mellowed out mostly, I've gone from making projectile weaponry out of stationery to physically assaulting people to screaming loud enough for half of campus to hear to having nuclear meltdowns to just... well, ranting online. Which I find seems to be perfectly acceptable, socially. It's a lot less to deal with, unless you follow me on Twitter - then you'll just be lambasted by a barrage of fluctuating emotions. You can probably use the Serizawa Scale to talk about my emotions, just measure how many tweets I use to talk about it, the frequency of the tweets, etc.

Today, Rico summed it up for me in a very simple way for me. He's good at that, he helps me take the mess that's inside my brain and distill it down to a baseline. Once that's established, I can put everything else in order.

People are either waves or rocks. Two distinct types of people. Got that? Okay, now try throwing something big at them (not literally). If their first reaction to drama is some kind of cautious but flat "Okay..." then they're rocks. If their reaction is more along the lines of "Whoa, wait. Why?" - then they're waves.

Rocks are people who don't let the outside world bother them too much. It takes a lot (or the information to either concern someone close to them or come from someone like that) for something to bother them. They have ironclad defenses. You couldn't find someone better defended than if they had concentric walls built around them, 10 feet high.They don't adapt too well though, and that usually doesn't bother them. They either watch the drama or they're that one friend who can still keep their heads on straight when everyone else is flailing like a bunch of headless chickens.

Waves are people who let things get to them relatively easily. Outside factors bother them immensely. They're the type to let an insult get to them and then get all riled up because of it. However, they tend to be more fluid and adaptable when it comes to situations - they process information relatively fast and try their best to adapt to that. They're the first group of people to react to a situation. Drama tends to center around people like this.

The question is: which one do you think you are? Let me know in the comments or on Twitter.

disintegration.

image credit via: order of the good death

It's always a strange thing when friendships crumble, how do two people who were in such a strong relationship suddenly just fall apart?

Then again, friendships are like any other relationship. It might not be romantic, but there are strong ties of emotion that bind two people together and once that snaps, the friendship ultimately may not be recovered. What about best friends though? They're supposed to live and breathe the same things as you. They're supposed to be twin souls, and often they supersede that of romantic relationships because they are your constant.

It's odd.

I'm watching something fall apart, someone fight a war that they aren't completely prepared for. Then again, no one is prepared to be backstabbed. I'm being turned to for help but at the same time, I realize that I've had this happen to me so many times that I don't really know what to do anymore.

At the same time, this is war and there's no room for mercy. There are so many different pathways, so many different ways to do different things that to me, if it were up to me anyway - they'd be dead. But to them, it's dirty politics and they don't think things will escalate.

I really don't want to be right.

mirrors.

I understand image very well.

Being in a creative communications college, we're taught in Public Relations that image is a very important thing. Yes, you can be an individual - in fact, it's even encouraged. However, integrity of that image is infinitely important. You have to maintain it and be proud of it. Fluctuating between that isn't something one can afford to do.

That was my mistake before this. I was fluid in my image, aiming to fit into whatever mold I was given. Now, my image is concrete set and the only reason I can shape it is because I am my own architect. In my search for myself, I had chosen partners who were weak and undetermined in their own image. In their weakness, I lost myself.

Thankfully though, I was able to pull myself up. I've challenged my limits and I am so proud of the person I am now. I wouldn't have been able to be this person without the help of the people around me. Unfortunately, some of them dislike the person I have become and they left.

Is it because I reflect the darker parts of their personality? Is it because I took the traits that left the strongest impressions on me from them? I wouldn't know. I know some of the people out there despise how stubborn I can be. I know some of them hate the way I will call them out on what they're doing or thinking.

Ultimately though, I have the best partner possible in this. He has slowly become everything to me, so strongly intertwined with me that to break him off is to sever parts of me away. The best part is that he understands and he is willing to teach me as I am willing to learn. He doesn't judge for me for who or what I've become, but has become my confidant and strategist. I am grateful. He's made me see how the people I've tried to bring back into my life were mistakes and how some of these people have incurred damage to my own psyche. Sure, it isn't beyond repair but my personal code dictates that these people do deserve some form of vengeance. Not for what they've done per se - hindering my own growth for their personal gain is something I've overcome - but because they need to learn. They're almost begging for it. That's a new thing I've learnt.

This isn't some petty form of revenge anymore. This is war, and while I might not play to win at this point in time - after all, both sides lose in any form of war - but I do intend to show these people how much they've lost. Right now, I only have one target in mind. One particular target that's going to make all of this so sweet.

Round two, go.

power.

image credit via deviantart

I've had control issues my entire life.

No, they aren't fun.

I don't trust easily, I don't have faith easily. I didn't believe I deserved to be loved until quite recently. I have a hard time grappling with these ideas despite the long list of lovers and the somewhat consistent support I receive. I doubt almost everyone.

It's the one thing I've always wanted though.

Do you know how much it sucks when half your ex-boyfriends, when they're done with you or when you leave - they say: she never deserved love. I used her for sex. I used her because she isn't worth anything more than that. Can't you see that she hurt me? It doesn't matter what I think, because to these guys - I'm brilliant. I'm smart and quirky, unafraid to be myself. I have my flaws. They'll tell me I'm beautiful but in the same breath, they'll call me a manipulative bitch who's so stubborn because nothing goes into her head. They'll also go out of their way to "purposefully inform" the person I'm with because they 'need' to warn them. In turn, that usually makes the new boyfriend extremely aggravated and it's a contributing factor to me messing up (out of misery and demotivation) or them finding problems with me.

Do you understand how much it hurts to know that to half the people out there, you're nothing but a trophy girlfriend? Or another notch on the bedpost (except maybe, you'll remember me because I'm so out there and you can tell everyone you fucked me).  

Intellectually intimidating, one senior in college described me as. Looks like an airhead at first, obsessed with fashion and makeup and probably trashy TV shoes. Then you open your mouth and realize... this girl has a brain. One that she actually uses! At the same time though, I wouldn't date you or have a relationship with you. You'd be like that amazing one night stand that you never forget for the rest of life, but that's it.

That isn't a compliment, as it is a backhanded insult.

My family does (more or less) the same thing to me. Underneath all that wildness, she's a good kid or You're amazing and talented because you write, dance and sing. The next day: you're not talented. You're nothing. You can't do anything we can be proud of. If we can't show you off... what do we tell our friends?

They don't realize how much that hurts and of course, I stop opening up to them and in turn, they wonder why I'm so two-dimensional. Why I'm so secretive. Why I'm so quiet about myself. I've become a shallow construct of who I am in front of them and thankfully, they don't question my image openly. I only hear whispers of it from time to time, when they think I'm asleep or not home.

image credit via tumblr

I worked hard to craft the person I am now.

I am an amalgamation of all the people who I've ever come in contact with, like a Final Fantasy blue mage - I mimic their traits, the ones they impart to me the most. My father's side of the family gave me an iron will, a free spirit with a need to express myself, a variety of facial expressions that seems very strange to see on thirteen different faces. My mother's side granted me a silver tongue, the need to be on top - a strong competitive streak and one that decides what is best for us, whether it may or may not be true. Both sides are vastly opinionated with a distinct knack for getting into trouble, somehow our superiors dislike us for what we bring to the table. It's not so much as a justice streak but one that stands up for ourselves and what we believe in, despite the varying moral codes of conduct.

Out of the four significant relationships I've had out of everyone, I picked up from them certain traits that they don't quite like in me.

Rifdi was the one who told me to be myself and to be fiercely myself, unapologetic in the face of a world that wants to mold us into something utilitarian. Whether I was presenting a facet of me or the entirety of me, I never had to apologize and those who didn't like that could walk out of my life, permanently. He was the one I loved the most from my past - my first love, you could say; and he was the one who taught me to rein in my whirlwind of emotions but to explore what could be called the taboo sides of the human psyche. I could be unashamed in what I liked and was interested in but still possess the self-respect to smile each time someone tried to beat me down.

Seth taught me to embrace my political family, to utilize the skills that come from being born and bred as politicians and diplomats and utilize them to enhance my own image. To spin your own image is one that spits in the face of society as a creator, but I refuse to be a blank canvas for them to paint except in the most shallow ways.

Kris gave me unbending stubbornness and taught me to take my anger and turn it into a force to be reckoned with. I've always been angry, reckless and more than willing to get into a fight with people twice my size but he was the one who challenged me to do something with it. He also gave me a sense of empathy for people, as I learned to reach out and help those who could benefit from my mistakes.

Rico is the person I'm with now, and frankly - I am still learning and picking off traits where I see fit. He taught me internal discipline, how to take everything and push them down under a sea of calm. I achieved serenity, recently and patience, something I've always had a problem with. He also taught me that if I were to be a monster as society dictates, I could be the biggest one out there. Taking my anger and channeling that aggression into careful plotting that would actually amount to something. I learned that I don't mind standing equal to him, that I'm not thinking in terms of alpha and beta but to stand side-by-side and take the world on together. I learned to respect myself, finally and to have the high standards my family encouraged me to have as a child. He also taught me the concept of self-love, that is if I did not love myself - how could I love anyone else?

I've learned to take care of myself and be proud of that, for I can't take care of anyone else if I don't do the same to myself. It's not a matter of ranking - who comes first, second or last. It's whether you can shift that priority and accurately gauge if you can afford to strengthen someone else who is important to you.

I have achieved that. No matter how much my own family may criticize my physique (as they did today, I think being thin is overrated now considering how many times the words anorexic and skeleton got tossed around), I will find a way to be proud of myself. I dress, speak and act how I want to and I am proud of who I am and the titles I've garnered. I deserve that much at least. I deserve to be happy with myself.

While I won't forget the people who helped make me this way, it's not to say I won't ever get my own back ;) After all, I wouldn't be me if I didn't have a vengeful streak a mile wide. Someday, somehow - the men who have spurned me, the people who have stepped on me and the ones who pushed me down to get ahead and used me; they'll realize what a titan they've made of me and how I'll be the one looking down.

I am Lady Medusa and simultaneously, founder of the Echidna Program. Enjoy your stay.