open letter

I never tell people what I think of them, I tend to tell other people what I think instead. But it's never to the person themselves.

For example, I compromised two major relationships for you. I knew what I was doing was wrong, but in some pseudo-medieval romantic way - I didn't care. It was wrong, and I have apologized to the relevant parties. It's like if I was a train wreck, waiting to happen. I have loved you for the past three years, and of course - I don't expect anyone to believe me.

Such vitriol, tch.

There's actually no venom here, I'm going on things based on instinct (and I know this offends your rational and logical self, you've never liked that part because I tend to get in trouble that way) and well, it's true. I have been showing the ugliest parts of me to you but only because you stayed, I continued to do so. Not because you had to see them but those were the parts of me that I couldn't ever show anyone. I didn't trust anyone else to see them and to still accept me. How strange is that?

You weren't ever nothing.

I never spat on your feelings (oh look, a phrase I like to use) but I'll admit I'm selfish. I wanted you to be happy with me, not with anyone else. I was possessive and I'm a bit of an attention-whore when it comes to people I really care about. I will ask you: hey, should I do this? and that shows that I am asking for your opinion and it does factor in (oh no, it doesn't stop me from doing it half the time but at least I know I'll probably piss you off while I'm doing it) and it does matter. Out of some misguided pride (you know this, you know this so well), I would be flippant and I would play it off like it was nothing. It hurt when you disapproved, and I wanted so desperately to prove to you that I was something.

If I was something to you, then at least I could take whatever else anyone else was dishing out to me.

It's the sole reason why I would make you the "friend who knew where I was" if I was off venturing into things I didn't know - the night I went off with Rifdi to Rakan Muda and was somehow lost in the middle of the Flow. It's the reason I would call you at 3am to yell something completely irrelevant at you, because I had feelings I couldn't handle. It's the reason that I'll tell you I'm drinking and I'm mixing substances I really shouldn't because I'm upset.

I'm very self-destructive.

I'm a celebrity now. A celebrity in the cheapest way, known for my fashion and attitude when I haven't done anything. People have said they don't think I cut. You can tell that to the cocktail of drugs and alcohol though, I don't need the public to believe me. It's actually okay.

It's also too late to be telling you all these things, but if anyone would be able to tell you? Anyone who's heard me or had to deal with hours of my ranting, crying and brief manic-depressive episodes - they'd know I love you to no end. I'm exploring my feelings in full now and at least, I can thank you. For the longest time, I wasn't emotionally honest. I wasn't anything, I just wanted to be numb. I can't cry now, after holding back tears last night. In the middle of a family dinner, I'm told that I don't matter anymore and it felt like I didn't exist.

My family only loves parts of me but for a while, you loved all of me.

Thank you.