goodbye

Sometimes, things end.

Things end for good reasons, things end for bad reasons. Sometimes, things end just because.

Maybe I waited too long, maybe I didn't say anything soon enough. It's a lot of "what ifs" and I know I won't have closure. It's yet another one of those things I won't have closure about. I don't know how much insecurity I can build at this point. Maybe I really am empty.

I know why I'm upset, at least. I didn't get a goodbye. I never did get a goodbye. I'm swimming through the worst parts of me right now and of course that sucks. The exact moment that I fell in love all over again was the moment he walked away without a word.

I'm sad because that was my friend. Someone I considered a sister, someone I loved and wanted to help. I don't even get that though. I'm another stranger who never meant anything. I guess that's the part that hurts.

He told me that the worst part was when Mai told him he never meant anything and they never dated. You become what you hate and while I can see that was true, I wonder why this is what's happening to me.

I'm not going to sit here and hope. I'm not going to sit here and say that everything will be okay. I am okay. I'm numb, but okay. It's a feeling I'm used to. I just never thought the guy I loved for three years would walk out of my life like it was nothing.

Am I nothing?

All I have are videos and photos and memories. Even then I can't really remember how he sounds, or how he looks. Seeing him was jarring, to say the least. People don't last. At least, with me. Everyone seems to have a sell-by date where they just stop being your friend.

In that sense, I'm intangible and invisible. A ghost. The kind of person you barely remember and hell, maybe you don't want to remember me except in the worst ways.

21st December, 2012.

Today, on the 5th of July, 2013 - I lost my nickname of "Babydoll".