power.

image credit via deviantart

I've had control issues my entire life.

No, they aren't fun.

I don't trust easily, I don't have faith easily. I didn't believe I deserved to be loved until quite recently. I have a hard time grappling with these ideas despite the long list of lovers and the somewhat consistent support I receive. I doubt almost everyone.

It's the one thing I've always wanted though.

Do you know how much it sucks when half your ex-boyfriends, when they're done with you or when you leave - they say: she never deserved love. I used her for sex. I used her because she isn't worth anything more than that. Can't you see that she hurt me? It doesn't matter what I think, because to these guys - I'm brilliant. I'm smart and quirky, unafraid to be myself. I have my flaws. They'll tell me I'm beautiful but in the same breath, they'll call me a manipulative bitch who's so stubborn because nothing goes into her head. They'll also go out of their way to "purposefully inform" the person I'm with because they 'need' to warn them. In turn, that usually makes the new boyfriend extremely aggravated and it's a contributing factor to me messing up (out of misery and demotivation) or them finding problems with me.

Do you understand how much it hurts to know that to half the people out there, you're nothing but a trophy girlfriend? Or another notch on the bedpost (except maybe, you'll remember me because I'm so out there and you can tell everyone you fucked me).  

Intellectually intimidating, one senior in college described me as. Looks like an airhead at first, obsessed with fashion and makeup and probably trashy TV shoes. Then you open your mouth and realize... this girl has a brain. One that she actually uses! At the same time though, I wouldn't date you or have a relationship with you. You'd be like that amazing one night stand that you never forget for the rest of life, but that's it.

That isn't a compliment, as it is a backhanded insult.

My family does (more or less) the same thing to me. Underneath all that wildness, she's a good kid or You're amazing and talented because you write, dance and sing. The next day: you're not talented. You're nothing. You can't do anything we can be proud of. If we can't show you off... what do we tell our friends?

They don't realize how much that hurts and of course, I stop opening up to them and in turn, they wonder why I'm so two-dimensional. Why I'm so secretive. Why I'm so quiet about myself. I've become a shallow construct of who I am in front of them and thankfully, they don't question my image openly. I only hear whispers of it from time to time, when they think I'm asleep or not home.

image credit via tumblr

I worked hard to craft the person I am now.

I am an amalgamation of all the people who I've ever come in contact with, like a Final Fantasy blue mage - I mimic their traits, the ones they impart to me the most. My father's side of the family gave me an iron will, a free spirit with a need to express myself, a variety of facial expressions that seems very strange to see on thirteen different faces. My mother's side granted me a silver tongue, the need to be on top - a strong competitive streak and one that decides what is best for us, whether it may or may not be true. Both sides are vastly opinionated with a distinct knack for getting into trouble, somehow our superiors dislike us for what we bring to the table. It's not so much as a justice streak but one that stands up for ourselves and what we believe in, despite the varying moral codes of conduct.

Out of the four significant relationships I've had out of everyone, I picked up from them certain traits that they don't quite like in me.

Rifdi was the one who told me to be myself and to be fiercely myself, unapologetic in the face of a world that wants to mold us into something utilitarian. Whether I was presenting a facet of me or the entirety of me, I never had to apologize and those who didn't like that could walk out of my life, permanently. He was the one I loved the most from my past - my first love, you could say; and he was the one who taught me to rein in my whirlwind of emotions but to explore what could be called the taboo sides of the human psyche. I could be unashamed in what I liked and was interested in but still possess the self-respect to smile each time someone tried to beat me down.

Seth taught me to embrace my political family, to utilize the skills that come from being born and bred as politicians and diplomats and utilize them to enhance my own image. To spin your own image is one that spits in the face of society as a creator, but I refuse to be a blank canvas for them to paint except in the most shallow ways.

Kris gave me unbending stubbornness and taught me to take my anger and turn it into a force to be reckoned with. I've always been angry, reckless and more than willing to get into a fight with people twice my size but he was the one who challenged me to do something with it. He also gave me a sense of empathy for people, as I learned to reach out and help those who could benefit from my mistakes.

Rico is the person I'm with now, and frankly - I am still learning and picking off traits where I see fit. He taught me internal discipline, how to take everything and push them down under a sea of calm. I achieved serenity, recently and patience, something I've always had a problem with. He also taught me that if I were to be a monster as society dictates, I could be the biggest one out there. Taking my anger and channeling that aggression into careful plotting that would actually amount to something. I learned that I don't mind standing equal to him, that I'm not thinking in terms of alpha and beta but to stand side-by-side and take the world on together. I learned to respect myself, finally and to have the high standards my family encouraged me to have as a child. He also taught me the concept of self-love, that is if I did not love myself - how could I love anyone else?

I've learned to take care of myself and be proud of that, for I can't take care of anyone else if I don't do the same to myself. It's not a matter of ranking - who comes first, second or last. It's whether you can shift that priority and accurately gauge if you can afford to strengthen someone else who is important to you.

I have achieved that. No matter how much my own family may criticize my physique (as they did today, I think being thin is overrated now considering how many times the words anorexic and skeleton got tossed around), I will find a way to be proud of myself. I dress, speak and act how I want to and I am proud of who I am and the titles I've garnered. I deserve that much at least. I deserve to be happy with myself.

While I won't forget the people who helped make me this way, it's not to say I won't ever get my own back ;) After all, I wouldn't be me if I didn't have a vengeful streak a mile wide. Someday, somehow - the men who have spurned me, the people who have stepped on me and the ones who pushed me down to get ahead and used me; they'll realize what a titan they've made of me and how I'll be the one looking down.

I am Lady Medusa and simultaneously, founder of the Echidna Program. Enjoy your stay.